01 April, 2013

So I Thought the Onion Was Hiring...


Four days ago, my beloved, ever-trustworthy, accomplished-writer sister, Keel, shared with me that the Onion was hiring freelance contributors for their hilarious and oft-emailed around the office online newspaper. I nearly peed my pants with excitement. I spent Saturday churning out witty and biting headlines and hilarious faux-journalism prose to accompany them. I drafted and finished a story for submission and felt entirely too proud of myself for just a couple hours work. I nearly peed my pants a second time with the anticipation of sending it in and waiting to hear back.

But, as cruel twists of fate would have it, it turns out the Onion is not hiring. Early April Fool's joke? Mis-informed masses wanting to be a part of the snarky world of fake news? This time, I nearly peed my pants with sadness.

But instead of doing that, I decided that I would share my article with you. WARNING NOTE for moms and those with a light tolerance for vulgarity: it has a bad swear word in it. The swear word that starts with an F. You have been forewarned.

Below, for your enjoyment, is my article. One day, Onion. One day...

Area 2-Year Old Getting Real Fucking Annoying with the Whole Counting Thing
Cambridge, MA

Local 2-year old Kyle Dunbar spent the last few months of his third year on planet Earth mastering the age-old art of counting. Now when encountering objects, Kyle likes to try to count them all.
“He’s so smart!” Reported Kyle’s mother, Ashley. “He still gets kind of stuck after 10, but we all know he knows it. And it’s just so cute when he tries to say “eleventeen!”
This past Sunday Kyle’s parents, Ashley and Mike, decided to celebrate the milestone by gathering family and friends over to their split-level for some light snacks.
“We’re so proud!” Reported Mike, who mentioned that he often likes to buy things in multiples just so he can show Kyle off.
“We always knew he was smart,” chimed Ashley. “And now he’s just getting so verbal and showing everyone what he’s learning every day!”
But not everyone was basking in the glow of Kyle’s recent accomplishments.
“He counts everything. Everything.” Groaned Jamie Parker, Kyle’s 13 year old cousin who is subjected to Kyle’s incessant counting on a weekly basis.
Next door neighbors Chuck and Brianne Martinez were also feeling the ill effects of Kyle’s relentless tallying.
“It’s getting out of hand.” Said Brianne, stating that sometimes she is woken up at 8am on a goddamn Saturday morning because Kyle is in the backyard, counting all the caterpillars and birds and particles of dirt that he sees. “It’s like, we get it. Just move on already, you know?”
Even Kyle’s grandparents are a little over the whole “counting” thing.
“Oh sure, it was adorable when it first started.” Commented Grammy Doris, who was in town visiting from her condo in Maryland. “But my son Mikey counted so much earlier than Kyle. Definitely was counting to 20 by at least one year’s old.” Later on, after a few glasses of the Maryland shiraz had been downed, Grammy Doris could be heard mumbling something about “Ashley’s side of the family.” However, when pressed for further comment, Grammy Doris denied saying anything at all.
Jealous older sister Jackie could be heard in the background saying that she’s been able to count for so long she can’t even remember when she learned. “I’ve been doing it for like 10 years,” reported the 7-year old Jackie, glaring resentfully at her bowl of grapes. Kyle, too, got in on the grape action, though once he started counting them Jackie could take no more and ran from the kitchen, screaming.
“We’re thinking of enrolling him in a Montessori school.” Confided proud mom Ashley. “You can’t keep minds like his caged by public education. He’s clearly got a gift! It just wouldn’t be fair to him. ”
But for now, the l’il abacus is content to stick to counting his bathtime toys, the letters on daddy’s teeshirts, and his collection of dinosaur figurines.
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