Useless Knowledge

As a direct result of how much television, internet, and trashy magazines I have read over the course of my life, I now have the intellect of a goldfish. A very smart goldfish, but still a short attention-spanned aquatic creature of some sort. Perhaps I could have been the next great American novelist or a rocket scientist, if only I had never been introduced to media and commercials.

Relatedly, I know all the words to the actual Goldfish brand cracker jingle. Even the less known Goldfish breakdown, "I could eat them everyday, and my mom says that's ok!" I can even play it on piano. When will this come up appropriately into natural conversation? Never?

The same goes for pop culture trivia. I don't want to retain this stuff, I just do. I can write you out a detailed list of Britney Spear's love life from the Disney Channel and Justin to K.Fed on, but I still have difficulty remembering the states west of the Mississippi.

I am not proud. I wish that you could selectively remember all the important things one should know, and forget all the other crap. For example, I would happily trade my ability to sing along with Taylor Swift's pop hits (which I don't even ENJOY) for being able to remember any of the 90,000 years of spanish I took. I'd even settle for the ability to remember the last time I brushed my teeth. This random knowledge robs me of the ability to go about my day-to-day functionally, but boy can I rock a bar night trivia contest.

Trivia night: "Who was Jennifer Lopez's fiancée before her current husband?"
Me: "Ben Afleck, before she married Marc Antony and had her twins."
TN: "Who is the Secretary of State?"
Me: "..."

I'm just hoping for a gameshow that will somehow tap into my random and useless tidbits that are most definitely the reason why I can't remember when I ate last but I can sing the entire Mohegan Sun Casino song. With harmony.

Correction: It has been brought to my attention that the Secretary of State is Hillary Rodham Clinton, and that I should know she held that position because she is a woman in office. Because I, too, am a woman. And that's that.